School of the Bible - Love Triangle 1
- Gordon Simmonds
- Mar 10, 2009
COURSE PURPOSE AND SUMMARY
Purpose
The purpose for conducting this course is to take relationships to a deeper level. As we study The Triangular Model of Love, we will see how important it is to have all three sides growing together. If a relationship is unbalanced by under emphasis on one side or over emphasis on another, it will never reach the heights God intended for it, or will be destined to fail. However for those who work on all three sides, they can be reassured that their relationship will grow and in effect they will be "divorce-proofing" their marriage.
Outline
Introduction
- A Triangular Model
- Commitment
- Intimacy
- Passion
- Conclusion
Supplementary Reading
Read chapters 5-7 of Proverbs
- Read Song of Solomon.
Acknowledgements
1. Dr. Les Parrott III & Dr. Leslie Parrott 1995 Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts Zondervan Publishing House Grand Rapids, Michigan.
2. Bob Yandian 1993 One Flesh - God's gift of Passion - Love, Sex & Romance in Marriage Pillar Books Tulsa Oklahoma.
3. Dean Sherman of WYWAM Logical Loving Limits (Tape Series).
4. Ed Cole 1982 Maximised Manhood Whitaker House Springdale, PA.
5. Al Bernard Men and Women: The Difference (Tape).
6. John Fischer Real Christians Dance Bethany House.
7. Earl Paulk 1985 Sex is God's Idea K Dimension Publishers Atlanta Georgia.
8. Richard Exley 1988 Perils of Power Honor Books Tulsa, Oklahoma.
9. Gordon Fee Corinthians - A Study Guide ICI University Press Irving Texas
10. Gary Chapman 1992 The Five Love Languages Northfield Publishing, Chicago
11. William Barclay 1964 New Testament Words The Westminster Press
The Love Triangle
"Almost every marriage will be tested to breaking point, those who come through the challenge become better people, knowing themselves and God better, with stronger marriages. Those who quit go through the same challenges in the next relationship!"
"Presently 40 percent of first marriages in this country [USA] end in divorce. Sixty percent of second marriages and 75 % of third marriages end the same way. Apparently the prospect of a happier marriage second and third time around is not substantial."[1]
1. Defining Love
1.1. "Love is the most important word in the English language - and most confusing."[2]
- 1.1.1. A song describes love as "a many splendored thing."
- 1.1.2. We are told that "love makes the world go around."
- 1.1.3. For love, people have crossed mountains, fought wars, performed fantastic feats, given their lives, even taken lives (their own included).
- 1.1.4. Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:1 says that without love everything else pales into insignificance.
- 1.2. Greek is one of the richest of all languages, expressing meaning in a much deeper way than most other languages. In English we have only one word to express all kinds of love, while in Greek there are no fewer than four. We will therefore look to these four Greek words in order to define love:[3]
- 1.2.1. Eros: This word is mainly used for love between the sexes. It can be used for such things as the passion of ambition and the intensity of patriotism; but characteristically it is means physical or sexual love. Eros does not appear in the New Testament.
- 1.2.2. Storge: This word has to do with family affection. It generally describes the love of a parent for a child or the child for a parent. This word does not appear in the New Testament in this form but the adjective philostorgos occurs in Romans 12:10 where Paul talks of brotherly love (NIV) or being kindly affectionate (NKJV).
- 1.2.3. Phileo: This is a friendship love, expressing the love of a relationship, (including a husband and a wife). It is used in the New Testament in describing the love of Jesus for John (John 20:2), for Lazarus (John 11:3,36) as well the love of a father and mother and son and daughter (Matt 10:37).
- 1.2.4. Agape: This is the most common word for love in the New Testament. It is an unconditional love, a love that seeks nothing but the highest good for someone. It is unconquerable benevolence, invincible goodwill, it never seeks revenge. It is not an emotion but a principle by which people choose to live. It goes against all natural inclinations as the believer is told to love his enemies.
2. A Triangular Model
2.1. Robert Sternberg, a Yale University psychologist, has developed the "triangular model" of love. In his model, love, like a triangle has three sides: passion, intimacy, and commitment.[4]
2.2. Combing Sternberger's model with the above definitions, we come up with the following:
- 2.2.1. Man is a three part being spirit, soul and body and therefore for love to be complete there must be all three aspects in a relationship:
- 2.2.1.1. Passion (eros) - this is the sensual, sexual side of love, the excitement, the infatuation the physical pleasurable part of love. It is the intense desire a person can have for another as reflected in Song of Solomon 1:2.
- 2.2.1.2. Intimacy (storge and phileo) - the emotional side of love. This is really knowing and understanding a person, becoming best friends.
- 2.2.1.3. Commitment (agape) - the ultimate or spiritual side of love. This is the Godly love side where there is nothing in return for this love.
|
Part of Man |
Type of Love |
Greek |
Biblical Reference |
|
Body |
Passion -the sensual, sexual side of love, excitement, infatuation, pleasure. Intense desire. |
Eros |
Song of Solomon 1:2. |
|
Soul |
Intimacy - the emotional side of love, knowing and understanding a person, becoming best friends. |
Storge and phileo |
Song of Solomon 6:8-9 |
|
Spirit |
Commitment - the ultimate or spiritual side of love. Godly love, nothing expected in return. |
Agape |
Ephesians 5:22-33 |
Figure 1.1 Types of Love
2.3. For the ultimate relationship we must have an equal sided triangle, most relationships don't have this. However each one will not have the same intensity at the same time.
Soul Body
Intimacy Passion
Storge / Phileo Eros
Spirit Commitment Agape
Relationship |
Emphasis |
Description |
Result |
|
Foolish |
Passion |
Only passion is emphasized i.e. those in the relationship are only interested in a physical relationship. |
Broken relationships; going from one relationship to another. |
|
Friendship |
Intimacy |
Best friends; people who know each other very well. |
Cannot result in a good marriage. Simply a friendship. |
|
Committed |
Commitment |
Arranged marriage. Marriage of convenience. |
May or may not develop into sexual but will be problematic if it doesn't. Danger when attracted to someone of opposite sex. |
|
Romantic |
Intimacy + Passion |
Usually those who live together without marriage as marriage is the ultimate commitment; |
Without commitment (marriage), partners rarely give 100%; not great success rate.[5] |
|
Unfulfilled |
Passion + Commitment |
Common in marriage where belief is that sex can only come after marriage; never really get to know each other and don't get to know or understand each other. |
Can result in many arguments and disputes as neither understands each other. |
|
Companion |
Commitment + Intimacy |
Sex plays very little part. |
Missing out on the "excitement" side, the relationship can become boring. |
Table 1.2 Wrong Emphasis of Love[6]
3. Commitment:
3.1. Commitment to Covenant.
- 3.1.1. Marriage is a covenant, the highest form of a contract that should not be broken. Total commitment to this covenant releases God's power and paves the way for intimacy and passion.
Proverbs 2:16-17; Malachi 2:14-16
3.2. Absolute Commitment.
- 3.2.1. The level of Commitment that God requires of us is the same standard as Jesus - laying down our lives for each other.
Ephesians 5:24-27
3.3. Commitment Unconditionally
- 3.3.1. Commitment (based on agape) is not conditional to the spouses' behaviour - even adultery! (Unrepentant adultery is another issue as the adultery has already broken the covenant!)
Hosea 3:1-3
3.4. Commitment even if Covenant made in error.
Joshua 9:3-16; 2 Samuel 21:1-6
3.5. Lack of commitment - Living Together
John 4:16-18
- 3.5.1. Notice that living together in the eyes of God is NOT marriage!
2 Samuel 13:1-20
- 3.5.2. Tamar is totally committed to keep her virginity and makes this clear to Amnon in V13.
- 3.5.3. She then makes an amazing statement: "And as for you, you would be like one of the fools in Israel." Her concept of the consequences of sex outside of marriage is profound - sexual sin (like other sin, but more so - See 1 Corinthians 6:18) causes a "cutting off" from the wisdom of God.
- 3.5.4. There is something about this sin, which seems different from other sins. The Greek word translated "body" here could also be translated "being" ‑ there is some damage done that is not done in other types of sins. It is more than just physical.
- •3.5.5. Sleep with him before you marry him and you marry a fool!
1Corinthians 6:18
3.6. Guidelines for increasing commitment:
- 3.6.1. Remove words like "divorce" from your vocabulary.
- 3.6.2. Make laying down your life for your partner a real part of everyday life.
- 3.6.3. Husbands love (seek nothing but the highest good) for your wives. / Wives submit to your husbands even if they are wrong! (Though nothing biblical must be compromised).
1Peter 3:1-7
4. Intimacy:
4.1. Commitment paves the way for deep intimacy (and passion). Together with commitment comes security and together with security comes intimacy.
4.2. Emotional intimacy is a vital part of any relationship - we all have a need to be loved
4.3. God institutes marriage in the Garden of Eden, before the fall. A place where the highest levels of emotional intimacy can be reached.
4.4. The starting point for developing this should be before marriage. If these areas are not developed before marriage then inside of marriage when the honeymoon (2 years of being in love) ends, there is no foundation of "best friends" to sustain the relationship.
4.5. God has ordained marriage as a refuge. It is a place where in the midst of trials, tribulations or whatever the world may have to offer, a man or a woman can have a place of refuge, a place of security, a place where one can be refreshed, a place of experiencing joy.[7]
4.6. Notice that Solomon (Ecclesiastes 9:9) also mentions that there is a labour in marriage, i.e. there is work involved in order to make it successful.[8]
4.7. The most important part of intimacy is communication and an effective communication system is vital to a stable, intimate and satisfying marriage relationship.
- 4.7.1. A breakdown of communication is almost always a primary cause of marital dysfunction.
- 4.7.2. "When communication stops, abnormality sets in, and the ultimate end of abnormality is death of a relationship. Just as faith dies when we refuse to communicate with our heavenly Father, so will a marriage die when a couple refuses to communicate. Ephesians 4:29-30 reveals that communication should edify, not corrupt. The Holy Spirit is grieved when we are not ministers of grace."[9]
- 4.7.3. Norm Wright, a well-known marriage counselor, states that communication can be broken down as follows:
- 4.7.3.1. 7% words (content)
- 4.7.3.2. 38% attitude (tone of voice)
- 4.7.3.3. 55% body language
- 4.7.4. This can be translated into the following:
- 4.7.4.1. Interaction - open, honest, godly communication.
- 4.7.4.2. Interrogation - always asking questions so that the partner always feels a need to justify or explain actions (and then gets accused of always justifying themselves!)
- 4.7.4.3. Accusation - this is pointing a finger at the other person, who feels that they are on trial and a defence is necessary.
|
INTERROGATION |
ACCUSATION |
INTERACTION |
|
"Don't you like kissing me?" |
"You never kiss me." |
"Do you know what, honey? I really love you and like to have you hold me and kiss me." |
|
"How come you can get ready on time now but not on other occasions?" |
"Well, what do you know? Miracles still happen. You're ready on time." |
"Hey hon, I just wanted you to know that I really appreciated the way you hurried to be ready to go on time." |
|
"Why is it that we only get to eat like this when we have company?" |
"We ought to have company more often. It's the only time we get good food around here." |
"That was a great meal. You're an amazing cook." |
|
"How come you could get home early tonight, when you don't do it other nights?" |
"You never get home early! I think work is more important than me!" |
"I'm so glad you got home early. I really missed you today." |
- 4.7.5. Communication goals:
- 4.7.5.1. Share with one another freely;
- 4.7.5.2. Be lovingly honest about what we think and feel;
- 4.7.5.3. Strive to understand each other;
- 4.7.5.4. Listen respectfully and respond appropriately;
- 4.7.5.5. Learn to disagree and discuss disagreements without becoming hurt or attacking one another;
- 4.7.5.6. Have conversation that is beneficial and uplifting.
- 4.7.6. Communication Guidelines
- 4.7.6.1. Listen intently - don't answer until the other person has finished speaking
(Proverbs 18:13, James 1:19).
- 4.7.6.2. Be slow to speak. Think first. Don't be hasty in your words. Speak in such a way that the other person can understand and accept what you say (Proverbs 15:23; 18:2; 29:20).
- 4.7.6.3. Don't go to bed angry! Each day, clear offences of that day. Speak the truth, but do it in love. Do not exaggerate (Ephesians 4:15; 25-26).
- 4.7.6.4. Do not use silence to frustrate the other person. Explain why you are hesitant to speak at this time (Proverbs 15:28; 16:23)
- 4.7.6.5. Do not become involved in heated disputes. It is possible to disagree without attacking (Proverbs 15:1; 17:14; 20:3, Ephesians 4:31).
- 4.7.6.6. When you are wrong admit it, ask for forgiveness and then ask how you can change (Proverbs 12:15; 16:2; 21:2, Matthew 5:23-25).
- 4.7.6.7. When someone confesses a wrong to you, tell the person you forgive him / her. Be sure it is forgiven and not brought up again to that person, to others or yourself (Luke 17:3-4; Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13).
- 4.7.6.8. Avoid nagging (Proverbs 10:19; 21:19; 27:15).
- 4.7.6.9. Do not blame or criticize the other person. Instead, restore, encourage and edify (Romans 14:13; Galatians 6:1; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).
- 4.7.6.10. If someone verbally attacks, criticizes or blames you, do not respond in the same manner (Romans 12:17; 21, 1 Peter 2:23; 3:9).
- 4.7.6.11. Try to understand the other person's opinions. Make allowances for differences (Ephesians 4:2, 1 Peter 2:23; 3:9).
5. Passion
5.1. Passion was God's idea! What was His purpose for man in sex?
- 5.1.1. Obviously procreation - but in the overall context not the most important reason.
- 5.1.2. More importantly to establish (or seal) the covenant
- 5.1.2.1. Sex is the sign of the marriage covenant - when God initiates a covenant with man, frequently there is a sign accompanying that covenant
- Noah's covenant - Rainbow
- Abraham's covenant - circumcision
- Marriage Covenant - sex.
- 5.1.2.2. The sign of a covenant would be an external evidence of an internal work. Sex outside of marriage is the sign without the covenant. God has instituted a way and that is first the spiritual and then the physical, this way is the fulfilling way.
- 5.1.2.3. Sex is saying with the body that you are committed to stay with your partner for life - sometimes there is no or little intention of this whatsoever.
- 5.1.3. Passion is closely connected to intimacy - the vulnerability of sex paves the way for higher levels of intimacy.
- 5.1.3.1. In the words of Earl Paulk: "Establishing an intimate relationship in which husband and wife interact under God in a way that pleases the Lord."[10]
- 5.1.4. Sex is recreation.
- 5.1.4.1. "Sex is a resource, a way to take a person's mind away from the harsh realities of daily life. The experience brings one into a human relationship that yields warmth, understanding and acceptance. No act of acceptance is greater than sexual expression in a God-given relationship between a husband and a wife."[11]
- 5.1.5. Sex is intended not only for recreation and procreation but also as a way of communication whose intimacy brings close understanding.
5.2. Paul makes some very valid statements when he talks about sex in 1 Corinthians 6:15-20.
- 5.2.1. An important word appears twice in this passage (V16 & V17): joined (Greek - KOLLAO) which means, "to glue or cement together, then generally, to unite, to join firmly."[12]
- 5.2.2. This tells us that when two people have sex they are actually being joined together, they are becoming one flesh, whether or not they are married.
6. Conclusion
6.1. Man's strength is more external, while a woman's strength is internal. A man desires to be noticed for what he accomplishes. A woman wants to be valued for who she is as a person. For Adam to be Adam, he needed Eve.
6.2. All three sides of the triangle are vital if we are to take our relationships to a deeper level.
- 6.2.1. Without commitment, we have no security and therefore lower levels of emotional intimacy. The more we work at our commitment, the more highs of emotional intimacy and passion, we will experience.
- 6.2.1.1. Neither do we have "legal" sex, which means that we have the sign of the covenant without the covenant - resulting in emotional damage amongst other things.
- 6.2.2. Without emotional intimacy, sex becomes lust, or an attempt a mere physical experience. This robs us (including men!) of the highs that God intended.
- 6.2.3. Without passion, we have a mediocre relationship, with the "joining" Paul refers to in 1 Corinthians 6 missing, we can have a couple drifting apart and not opening themselves to the intimacy that is so vital..
Appendix 1
List eight reasons why you married your spouse:
List eight expectations you have of your spouse.
[1] Gary Chapman 1992 The Five Languages of Love Northfield Publishing, Chicago
[2] Gary Chapman 1992 The Five Languages of Love Northfield Publishing, Chicago
[3] William Barclay 1964 New Testament Words The Westminster Press
[4] Robert Sternberg, "A Triangular Theory of Love," Psychological Review 93 (1986): 119-35
[5] Michael McManus ( AFA journal 7/93 Justice Dept 1992 study) states: "Only 15 out of 100 live-in lovers will have enduring marriages. Forty live-in lovers out of 100 break up before marriage, while 45 will divorce. (What is also worth noting is that cohabiting women are 4 times as likely to be assaulted by their live-in lovers than wives. In the 1980's there were about 198 000 live-in lovers assaulted each year as opposed to the 56 000 wives assaulted.)"
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